the push

My head is never quiet. Normally I can rest, I can find some quiet, but lately this has become more difficult.

In less then two weeks I give my capstone presentation on xenon. I can't stop thinking about xenon. Every moment I am awake I find myself thinking about this inert gas. It's uber lame, I realize this, but I can't help myself. I think about how I am going to say this about that or that about this. It's an ongoing turmoil in my brain. I can't wait until it is over. Unfortunately I have a test next week to distract me for a few more days. Then after this presentation I have my comprehensive examination (essentially a review of all material from the last 2.5 years) one month later.

It's go time, but I feel as though I have nothing left to give. I am not complaining, but I am tired of living this life of meaninglessness. At the end of my life, I will not look back and wish I had known more about xenon. All of this seems like one more loop to jump through before my family and I and can get on with our lives. I feel in limbo, doing what I have to do to get by. I sure hope I get by.

I think the official countdown is 104 days. It's go time.

discussions with the head

I worked with the head of the department again this week. Twice. I am not sure if my heart can take much more.

"Good morning, Dr. Hobab (not her real name)," I said with as much enthusiasm as could be mustered for 0645. I walked past her into pre-op holding, but I didn't get very far.

"Why did you call me yesterday at two in the afternoon? Did you think I'd be at home? What is position? Do you think I just go home and hang out? Did you think I would be at home? What would I be doing at home?"

I was dumbfounded. I had called her the day before at 3ish or so, but I didn't realize it would be a grand offense. Normally when that happens, people just call back and no one loses any sleep over it. Actually, as far as I know every one on earth returns phone calls when called. It's polite, normal. I stuttered out an, "I don't know."

She kept going essentially repeating herself from the first outburst. It ended with, "Do you know my position? I am the chairman of the department of anesthesiology."

I wasn't sure if I should bow or explain to her how phone etiquette works. In the middle of it all I told her that I had thought that perhaps she worked at home. Apparently this was preposterous. As a side note, she is the interim chair of the department of anesthesiology. I realize that is a minor detail, but I thought it best not to bring it up at that moment.

We proceeded into pre-op holding to see our patient for the day, but instead of just one patient as posted the day before there were two. This is a recipe for complete disaster.

"And the first patient has complete previa. You never told me that patient had previa." She wasn't happy.

I was again caught off guard. The posted patient did not have previa. I quickly scanned the chart of the patient with previa and realized that this patient was not the patient that was posted yesterday and that we had discussed on the phone. She was an add-on for the day and yet somehow I got blamed for knowing nothing about this patient. I had never seen this patient before. Needless to say I got pulled from the case so someone more competent could care for this patient. She actually gave me permission to be in the room, but I could only chart.

By this time it was only 0730. We only had 8 hours left together.

By the time the day was out, I was told that I don't listen and this must mean that I don't like learning. I assured her that I was listening and she assured me that I wasn't. WTM?

On the bright side, I'm not sure I ever have to work with her again. Ever. I am smiling on the inside.

the most lovable bear named Kunt

I frequently frequent (I wrote it because I can) msnbc.com's slideshows. Whether it's the latest Celebrity Sighting or Animal Tracks or Week in Pictures. I'm not sure why these little slideshows suck me in, but they do. I love clicking mindlessly looking through pictures of the new baby rhino in Zimbabwe or Eva Longoria at yet another event where she wins no award. I rarely read the caption that is ever-present with every picture, but every so often the picture pulls me and I have to read to find out what is happening in the picture.

I was on lunch at work and was browsing the latest Animal Tracks show. I clicked 'next' and it showed the polar bear Knut swimming in a pool of green something. I didn't know what the something was so I read the caption. The caption can be found in the photo.

I took out my phone, snapped a picture and giggled to myself. I'm such a small child.

I'm actually rather proud of this as I knew by the time I had gotten home some well-intentioned individual would have noticed the error and notified msnbc.com and it would have been corrected. It was.

crazy land

"Which of you is going to be with me in pre-op?" I asked the two attendings sitting in her office.

"I am," came the reply. I asked a couple more questions to ensure complete understanding of her expectations of me for the day. She is a very specific and volatile dictator and I wanted things to go as well as they possibly could.

Even with my last question she responded with, "How long have you been with us now?"

"Two months."

"Well you should know how we do things by now."

The inner dialogue was going rampant. Yes, except you do things different than anybody else.

I left the comfort of her welcoming gaze to go post-op patients from the previous day. Oh, the sheer pleasure of my assignment today. The post-ops went on for much longer than I would have liked, but I completed them just before 10 AM. I returned to the anesthesia lounge and she stopped me in the hall. "Any pre-ops yet?"

"No. I just got back from doing my post-ops, but I am heading over there now." The pre-op clinic is across the hall on another unit. She stopped in the doorway of her office as I began walking down the hall.

"Can I speak to you in my office for a minute?" she asked.

"Sure." Aw crap! What have I done now? Again, my brain went rampant with possibilities. I stepped inside her office and she sat down. I was not invited to sit nor did I have time to even think about sitting.

"We are your superiors. Do not talk down to us. Do not say 'Which one of you...' to us. You need show some respect. You should say 'Whose my faculty today?'. Do not talk down to us. You need to show us respect."

There were many more suggestions, but I think I tuned out. My mouth was agape. My astonishment was emblazoned across my face. Of all the things that I thought were coming, this was not it.

"I...I...I'm sorry," I stammered.

She continued. It was more of the same.

"I promise you being disrespectful was not my intent. I am sorry." I was sincere, but still aghast.

She nodded her head and made a noise as if to indicate that she was done with me. I retreated from her doorway and mumbled, "Thank you."

Thank you? Thank you? For what? Seriously. Is the phrase 'Which one of you...' derogatory? Offensive? Demeaning? WTM!?! Is 'Whose my faculty...' some means of communication that conveys complete respect and awe. What English class did I miss?

I feel like I should bow next time. I wonder how that will go over.

I remain perplexed.

It is this sort of behavior that makes me lose respect for an individual. If you want my respect then act in a manner that deserves it, because if you demand it from me respect is the last thing I will have to give you.

a touch of gas

I worked 16 hours last night. I used to think that was a long time until I started doing 24-hour shifts. I have one of those in the morning. The problem with those is that I go in tomorrow morning and come home 24 hours after that. That sucks.

Needless to say, my 16-hour shift last night seemed longer than usual as my body was wracked my relentless gas.

Seriously.

I let out liters of gas with no relief. At one point I was in the OR about to get a c-section started and I felt my abdominal cavity shake as gas bubbles moved about. I was in anguish.

Later, I was preparing for another case in the OR and I was walking down one hall when I thought I'd let out a little squeaker. That fart started in one hallway and continued around the corner and all the way down the next hall. The distance of that fart was approximately 50 feet. Still no relief.

I can't figure out what devil food I ate that caused me to experience such symptoms. I hope I never eat that again.

I am happy to report that my fart frequency and duration are waning.

so hot

My wife is two weeks post-delivery of Pete. Her body is trying to keep up with her beatings. The other night she joined me for the now 8-minute ab workout...and she is phenomenal. As we were 'sitting' there doing leg kicks and dead cockroaches I looked over and I thought to myself.

'This lady is everything I ever hoped for in a wife.'

Seriously, the expectations, the list of desired characteristics and attributes weren't many, but very specific. I got everything. EVERYTHING!!

My wife is a machine. She pushes herself more than anyone else I know and she looks good doing it. She even did some pull-ups with me. When I watch her I can't help but smile. I'm the luckiest boy in the world.

She's already got her next 26.2 planned. The training has already started. I sit back and watch in awe.

home

Today we got to come home. Word on the street is that our insurance only covers two nights of stay in the local hospital so whether or kid had hyperbilirubinemia or not we were out on the street.

And I have never been so excited to go home.

We packed up our belongings and made the 2 mile trek home with one extra family member than we had when we left on Friday night. I can't believe there is actually a little body that now fills the care seat. I am in constant awe.

Since then we have fretted over the lack of wet and poopy diapers Pete has been having. He has definitely showed symptoms of dehydration and we're trying our best to get him caught up.

Tonight he had his first poop in 40 hours. Oh glorious poop! We are so proud.

I can't seem to take my eyes off of him. It's weird to leave him for even ten minutes and go about some normal activities of life. He's quite captivating.

I think we might watch the birth video in a little bit. The wife is super excited.

circumcised and waiting

We awoke hoping and crossing our fingers that we could go home today. The pediatrician and the obstetrician both said that we could go home today.

Then, in a twist of horror, we were told we had to stay at least another night so Little Pete could get some phototherapy for his jaundice/high bilirubin level.

What?

When we were told the news Lindsay asked if the window opened as we're on the 25th floor and she was contemplating suicide. Last night was miserable. I'm not sure how much sleep we actually got, but it was minimal. The crying baby was a pleasure compared to the vital signs and peri-care checks and hey-it's-11:30-at-night-and-I-need-to-weigh-your-now-sleeping-baby check. Aaaah! It was awful.

All was going in the direction of discharge until lunch when the nurse came in and told us we had to stay at least another 24 hours. WTM?

The only productive thing done today was Big Pete's circumcision. The kid was a champ. He sucked on his sugar water without crying while the doctor made comments like "Peter, well that's a fine name for someone about to have this procedure" and "Well, you're pencil is sharp now and what a fine pencil it is." Here is proof that even circumcisions can be fun.

The kid and I came home so we could sleep and we'll be reuniting with the wife and new kid tonight. I like our now expanded family.

a day in review

As I sit here typing, there are two blue eyes looking at me (or at least in my direction) from the lap of Lindsay. He's opening his eyes more. He's also pooping and crying and eating more. So goes day one.

It is absolute insanity to one day have a pregnant wife and the next a little ball of sneezes and snots and spit-ups. To sit here and say that I understand all the ramifications of the birth of this child is a complete lie. It's almost cliche to say surreal, but that is the best word that describes this feeling. Today begins the sleep-less nights and burping after feedings and poopy diapers.

I am in awe to see this little creature, this human, and know that I had some part in his life. The words I am attempting to find to describe this moment, this day, do not exist. I have feelings inside of me that I cannot say I have felt before.

With eyes heavy and heart doing whatever it is that it is doing, I look forward to tomorrow. The surprises seem inevitable no matter the best planning.

0855

It all went down at 0855 this morning. I figured we would be here much longer pushing, sweating, waiting, but instead Lindsay pushed like a champion and little Pete came out in three pushes.

Aw shnap.

He came out that blue/red color in silence. I watched. I waited for what seemed like minutes for the cry, a sound, anything, but in the end I think he was mustering his energy for all the crying and kicking he was about to do for the next six hours.

At 8 lbs 10 oz this kid is no lightweight.

I can't believe this little mass of legs and arms and reflux is mine.